


The Chapter Where You Decide to Stay

by Thistlerose



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Character Study, M/M, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 20:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5756359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlerose/pseuds/Thistlerose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn overhears things. Not everyone who fights for the Resistance is happy to have an ex-stormtrooper on their side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Chapter Where You Decide to Stay

**Author's Note:**

> I may have misremembered some of Finn's dialog from the movie. But Alan Dean Foster's dialog is different from what's in the script, so. If he can get away with it, so can I. Or maybe Poe just hears what he wants to hear where Finn's concerned.
> 
>  **ETA:** Okay, I definitely misremembered Finn's line of dialog. He says it, but not to Poe. Oh, well. Poe's heart hears what it wants to hear, I guess.

Finn overhears things. He doesn't try to, unless someone happens to be talking about Rey, who's still off somewhere with Chewbacca and R2-D2 in the _Millennium Falcon_. He isn't spying. Sometimes he just can't help it; the new Resistance base is small, and people don't always remember to keep their voices down, at least when they think he's not around.

He knows people talk about him, and while it makes him feel strange he can't exactly blame them. He knows what an oddity he is: a stormtrooper, trained from childhood to fight for the First Order who, all on his own, decided to throw aside his armor and join the Resistance. That's not quite the whole story, but Finn doubts it'll endear him to anyone if he tries to explain that, in all honesty, he was really just trying to protect himself and Rey. That he also happened to rescue Poe Dameron and help bring down the shields on the Starkiller Base has certainly earned him some extra points, especially with General Organa and Poe's own squadrons.

Though not with everyone.

Finn is back early from a jog; he'd started out feeling good, but then he pushed himself harder than he maybe should have and his muscles cramped up. At least he had the sense to stop and turn back before he undid three weeks of physical therapy. He's headed for the showers when he hears raised voices. He recognizes Poe's right away:

"I'm telling you, man, don't go there."

The other one is harder to place: "Why the hell not, Dameron? Someone has to."

Finn stops, frowning. He has no reason to believe this is somehow about him, and yet… 

"And you just decided it had to be you."

"Why not? You know, you act like you're the only one who was ever taken prisoner."

"Gold Two, you're out of line."

" _Listen._ "

 _Gold Two,_ thinks Finn. _Kemur Xann._ They were introduced; Finn has seen him at meals and around the hangar bay, but they've never really interacted. Finn remembers cool gray eyes and a scar like a badly stitched seam running from temple to chin.

"Listen," Xann says again, earnestly, like he's just trying to make Poe understand something. "I'm just saying … when you're in one of those interrogation cells, you'll grasp at anything. Any hope. If they haven't already broken you. I _know._ And getting rescued … it's romantic. And he's good-looking."

Finn stands there, completely frozen. He can't even feel the stitch in his side anymore.

"Are you saying," Poe says slowly, incredulously, "that I'm blinded? By his looks?"

"Maybe," says Xann. "Look, you like good-looking people. That's just a fact, Dameron. And everyone's noticed the way you act around him. You barely left his side the entire time he was in medical. And you're always defending him--"

"Maybe because people keep attacking him." Poe sounds calm now, but Finn hears the undercurrent of warning. He wonders if Xann does.

"I'm not saying there isn't good in him," Xann continues. "Obviously there is, or none of us would be here. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve a chance. None of us is perfect. I'm just asking you to think. With your _brain._ That kid was in their clutches since he was I-don't-know how old. That's what they do. They _program_ them - with propaganda, with drugs. You don't know what's buried in there. He doesn't even know, probably. You want to believe in him because you like him, because you owe him. We all owe him. But you don't really know: what he's done, how many people he's killed."

"He hasn't killed anyone."

"You don't know."

"This conversation is over."

Finn's feet turn him around and his legs make him start walking back down the corridor, in the direction of his quarters. He stumbles a little; the stitch in his side is still there. And his heart bangs against his ribs like it's trying to get out. It hurts to breath. He hears footsteps behind him and he starts to move faster, so he can pretend not to hear if someone calls out to him. But no one does. There's a bend in the corridor-- Finn grits his teeth and starts to jog. It _really_ hurts, but he tells himself that he just needs some water, just needs to lie down.

A few seconds later, he has to stop because - he just has to. But it's all right. He doesn't hear footsteps anymore. No one's behind him. No one's coming after him. He's alone.

* * * *

Poe comes by a few hours later. It's not a surprise, since Poe usually stops by Finn's quarters in the evening: to walk with him to the mess hall, to find out how his day has been, to ask if he's heard anything from Rey. Finn had half-hoped he'd find something more important to do, just this once; he still feels slightly ill, and he has no idea what to say. Though he has no proof, he's convinced that the footsteps he heard behind him in the corridor were Poe's, which means that Poe undoubtedly knows that he overheard something, which means … Finn doesn't know.

Besides which, he still hasn't showered. He's just been lying across his bed, staring at the ceiling, as useless to the Resistance, to everyone he cares about, as he was when he lay in his coma. He's tempted to tell Poe to go away. But when he looks up and sees Poe's face, sees how sad and chagrined he looks, his mouth won't make the words.

Poe gestures toward the edge of the bed by Finn's feet. "Can I…?"

Finn shrugs. Which Poe fortunately interprets to mean _Sure, go ahead._ The mattress dips under his weight as he sits down. Then it's a minute or so of awkward silence. Poe drags his fingers through his already messy hair, bites at his lower lip. Finally he says, "I guess I'll go first."

But Finn shakes his head. "No, I will. I've never killed anyone."

"So, you did hear."

"Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"It's not your fault. _I'm_ sorry you had to hear any of that. Kemur Xann is a good pilot. He's really dedicated to the Resistance. But it's true, he was captured once by the First Order and he still has the scars, literally and figuratively. Still, he was wrong to say those things."

"Thanks for standing up for me," says Finn. "I just want you to know, I never killed anyone."

"I know you didn't," says Poe.

"No, you don't."

"I do."

"Okay, how do you know?"

Poe gives him a look, like he thinks Finn might be slightly crazy. Then he says, "You told me, remember? You said, 'I'm not going to kill for them.' Not 'I'm not going to kill for them _again_ ' or 'I'm not going to kill for them _anymore_.'"

A small part of him is amused by the fact that Poe apparently remembers what he said verbatim, well before Finn had given him any real reason to trust him, but he has to raise his eyebrows. "That's seriously splitting hairs."

Poe shrugs. "That's what I heard. That's how I interpreted it."

"That's … I don't know." _A lot of faith,_ he thinks, studying Poe, who has suddenly become fascinated with his own bootlaces. He feels the weight of that faith on his chest; for a few seconds, it makes it hard to breathe. _I almost got you killed,_ he wants to remind Poe. _Maybe you would've preferred dying in a TIE-fighter crash to being executed by the Order, but that didn't make_ me _feel any better._ Then he remembers something else Kemur Xann said: _You'll grasp at anything. Any hope. If they haven't already broken you._

Finn suddenly feels stupid just lying there so he pushes himself into a seated position. Poe's thick lashes twitch, but he doesn't glance up.

Curious, not completely sure he wants to know the answer, Finn asks, "Would it have mattered? If I'd killed anyone? Would you have come with me? Would I be allowed to stay here?"

"I don't know," Poe says quietly. "None of us is perfect."

"I lied, though. I _have_ killed people, you know. Lots of them. There was a stormtrooper on Takodana, I stabbed him right through the chest with a lightsaber. And all those people on the Starkiller Base."

Poe sucks in a breath. "That's - different."

"Why? Because most of them were just stormtroopers? Because they were _your_ enemy? Because I didn't do it with a blaster?"

"Because - it just is." 

Finn hears the belligerence in his tone; this, then, is something Poe is determined to believe. The temptation to disabuse him, to make him see that it's more than just the Light Side and the Dark Side, is strong. But then he notices Poe's wrists resting on his thighs, sees the still-roughened, discolored skin where he struggled against his restraints, and the urge to fight melts out of him. There isn't a lot that Finn's absolutely certain about, but he does know that only a real asshole would ever want to hurt Poe Dameron.

So he asks instead, "You really think I'm a good man?"

Poe tilts his head finally and looks at him. "I do."

"Why?"

 _You're really crazy, aren't you?_ Finn doesn't need the Force to read Poe's thoughts. But then Poe says without a trace of mockery, "You just are. Look, most of us - a lot of us, anyway, me included - see the Resistance as part of our heritage. Our parents fought in the Rebellion against the Empire, so now it's our turn to step up. But you … you were a stormtrooper. You were conditioned your whole life to see us as the enemy and now you're with us."

"I just wanted to help Rey."

"I know. What I'm saying is, all that conditioning, it didn't affect your sense of right and wrong. You help people. You're a good man, Finn. Not because of how you were trained, not because of how you were brought up. That's just what you are. You're just _good_. That's why, in case you were wondering."

"Why…?"

Poe lifts his brows; his dark eyes burn at Finn.

"Oh," says Finn. Right. He feels the heat rising in his cheeks. He didn't forget about that; it's strange, but on some level he thinks maybe he's always known how Poe feels about him. And maybe there's a part of him that feels the same way - or could, when he's more sure of what his role is in all this. But then there's also Rey… 

Because he's nervous, because he doesn't know what else to say, because he worries he might actually catch fire if Poe keeps looking at him that way, he tries for a joke:

"It's not because I'm good-looking?"

Poe huffs out a laugh. It's really a pitiful sound, but it drains some of the tension between them. He ducks his head again. "It's a factor, I won't deny it. But it's not the real reason."

"Okay."

"Finn, I'm not asking for anything from you, except friendship."

"I know."

"I won't mention it again. I promise."

Only a real asshole would ever want to hurt Poe Dameron. But Finn has a strong desire to punch him right now, for just offering up his heart like that, and a knife to cut it with. _You don't know me!_ he wants to shout. _I don't even know me!_

And this, finally, is the real problem.

"I don't know what kind of man I am," says Finn slowly. "I want to be the kind of man you deserve." Even as he says it, he's not sure if he means Poe specifically, or the Resistance in general. He thinks he knows what he wants to mean, but he's not sure. "I know you think I am, but I need to know for myself. I need to know if I'm the kind of man who'd have busted you out of that cell anyway because it _was_ the right thing to do, not just because I needed help running away. I need to know if I'm the kind of man who'd have helped the Resistance anyway, because they're right and the Order's wrong, not just because I needed their help saving Rey. I need to know. I kind of feel like I can't move freely until I know."

"And you don't want my considered opinion."

"Nah, you're too blinded by my good looks," says Finn.

That elicits a smile. Just a small one, but the crinkles appear at the corners of Poe's eyes. "You're never going to get over that."

"Kemur Xann thinks I'm good-looking."

"No, he doesn't. I do."

"I thought you weren't going to mention it again," Finn teases.

"Starting now."

Finn is smiling too. He feels better. They're still in a strange place, but at least it's one where they can be a little more honest with each other, maybe. Which means, he tells himself, that they'll probably be all right. Whatever _all right_ actually means. 

To prove this to Poe, who still looks like he could use a little reassurance, Finn reaches out and grasps his shoulder. He only intended for it to be casual, comradely, but Poe tenses at his touch. Finn frowns. Did he read Poe wrong? Did he just screw something up? He's aware of long lashes shading dark brown eyes, of thin, dry lips and the breath hitching between them. And for a second, maybe two, he wonders what it would be like…

But when he tugs Poe close, it's only into a hug. 

Only.

They fit well together, Finn can't help noticing, with Poe's arms wrapped loosely around his torso, and his chin on Finn's shoulder. The hair that brushes Finn's cheek as he rests his head against Poe's is exactly as soft as it looks. 

He wonders what it would be like.

It's Poe who breaks the hug. He flashes Finn a smile that somehow manages not to look forced, claps him on the shoulder, and stands. "I'm hungry," he announces. "I bet you are too."

Feeling slightly whiplashed, but grateful, Finn nods and says, "Sure, I guess."

"Good. Walk to the mess with me." 

"People will talk," Finn reminds him.

"People talk already. Does it bother you?"

"You know it does. I know it bothers you too."

"Do you want them to know that?" There's a promise and a challenge in Poe's voice, in his eyes. When he offers his hand, Finn takes it.

1/18/2016


End file.
